Dumb jokes

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?” Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: “Who were YOU thinking about?”

A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"

He then hollers at the other guy

" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"

Kevin happily grabs the five notes and leaves. The guy laughs at him.

The friend happens to meet Kevin later and asks him why he picked the five bills. Doesn't he know 20 is more than 5x1?

"Yes" replies Kevin. "But the day I pick the 20 he'll stop giving me money".

If he thinks that's bad, I'm missing 9999 pieces.

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!"

Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction.

The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".

The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.

Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"

The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."

The woman asked the doctor about her babies. The doctor said "You had twins, a boy and a girl they're both fine and your brother named them for you" The woman replies with "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NOT MY BROTHER, he's an idiot!, what did he name the girl!?"Denise" the doctor answered

"Oh, that's actually not that bad! what about the boy?" the woman replied

doctor sighs deeply

"Denephew"

“I was in the mood for a drink so I biked to the local liquor store to buy a bottle of whiskey. At first I was planning to bike home with the bottle in my bike basket but I’m not an idiot and knew it would break if I crashed so I drank it in the parking lot. Thank god I did because I crashed 12 times on the way home.”

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get into the cockpit and start the plane, they calm down and are convinced it was just a stupid joke. So the plane starts rolling, and rolling and rolling on the runway. This airport runway is ending at a cliff, and the plane approaches it and doesn't seem to make any attempts to start. The people start screaming in panic, in this moment the plane takes off into the sky and everyone calms down. In the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot and grumbles: "You know, one day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."

The Polar Bear