Relationships jokes

So of course, I went, and he was right. I saw my dad

“Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”. “Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!”

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir... There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about my weekend."

To test this, he goes a few feet behind her, and softly whispers “Honey, can you hear me?”

There is no response, so he takes a step forward, and softly says again “Honey, can you hear me?” Again, there is no response

The husband goes right behind his wife, and again says “Honey can you hear me?”

The wife turns around and says “For the third time, yes”

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

A husband asks her wife, "If I die, will you get another marriage?"

The wife answered, "No, of course not! I'm going to go live with my sister. What about you, are you getting another marriage when I'm gone? "

He replied, "No, same with you. I'm going to go live with your sister."

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the 3M Company.”

The nurse tells the third guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the four seasons hotel.”

The last man is freaking out and banging his head against the wall.

The nurse asks him, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

He replies, “No, I’m screwed! I work for 7UP.”

"Simple", grins the millionaire.

" I faked my age".

His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her...

he replies: " I said i was 87"

The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

Billy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it cheerios."

Their mom turns around and chases him up the stairs spanking him the whole way. When she returns she looks at Billy and says, "And what would you like my little angel."

Billy nervously replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't cheerios."

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?”

“I went to St Peters Secondary”

“ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”

“1979”

“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”

Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”

To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

Find a woman who makes you laugh; find a woman who turns you on; find a woman who can cook; find a woman who wants to build a life with you and take care of you in old age. Make sure these four women never meet.

I told her no... How hard can kindergarten be?

3 friends were talking about their sons careers while 4th one was in toilet.

Friend 1: My son is millioner and he is one of owners of airport. He is so rich that he gave his friend airplane for his birthday last month.

Friend 2: My son is millioner as well, he is owner of big clothing brand. He is so rich he gave his friend most expensive clothes for his birthday last month.

Friend 3: My son is millioner as well, he is one of owners of famous electronics brand. He gave his friend 100 000 dollars worth of electronics for his birthday last month.

4th friend comes out of bathroom and returns to his friends

Friend 4: Heyy what are you talking about?

Friend 1: About our sons careers, can you tell us what your son does for living?

Friend 4: My son works in gay bar

Friend 2: Ohh, well that is sad

Friend 4: No, i am really proud of him. And actually he is doing pretty great! He got airplane, expensive clothes and 100000 worth of electronics for his birthday last month by his 3 boyfriends.

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked,

"To draw out all his savings?"

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."