Top jokes this month

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog. His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat." replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

If he thinks that's bad, I'm missing 9999 pieces.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"

There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: "This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished."

The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentally steps on one. St. Peter ties her up to a decaying stinky old man who coughs and sneezes all the time. He says to her: "This will be your punishment for an eternity for stepping on a duck."

The second woman goes a few days without stepping on a duck, but one morning she wakes up, gets out of bed, and accidentally steps on one. St. Peter ties her up to a disgusting old woman who is covered in warts and pus and complains all the time. He says to her: "This will be your punishment for an eternity for stepping on a duck."

The third woman saw this and became very careful. She stopped walking altogether and started gliding her feet everywhere. And few hundred years went by and she still hasn't stepped on a duck. St. Peter ties her up to a gorgeous young man for an eternity.

The woman is elated and says to the young man: "I wonder what I've done to be tied up to you for the rest of eternity!"

The man replies: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Oh I can’t sleep at night cause i am afraid of the monster under my bed

The therapist told him: i will help you, you will take with me three sessions a week each one costing 200$ and in month you will be able to sleep

The man left and didn’t came back, after one year the man met the therapist who asked him: why haven’t you started your treatment

The man said: you wanted me to pay 2400 but my Egyptian neighbor helped me for a sandwich and a drink only

The therapist ask how and to which the man said: my Egyptian neighbor Told me to sell my bed and start sleeping on the ground and i was never scared from that day on.

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an

American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside

him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Indians.'

The Indian says nothing.

The American continues,'Do you eat this jelly with the bread?'

Indian : 'Of course!'

American : 'We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a container. Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to Indians..'

The Indian finally asks,'And what do you do with the condoms after using them?'

American : 'We throw them away,of course!'

Indian : 'We do not. We keep them in containers, process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.

3 friends were talking about their sons careers while 4th one was in toilet.

Friend 1: My son is millioner and he is one of owners of airport. He is so rich that he gave his friend airplane for his birthday last month.

Friend 2: My son is millioner as well, he is owner of big clothing brand. He is so rich he gave his friend most expensive clothes for his birthday last month.

Friend 3: My son is millioner as well, he is one of owners of famous electronics brand. He gave his friend 100 000 dollars worth of electronics for his birthday last month.

4th friend comes out of bathroom and returns to his friends

Friend 4: Heyy what are you talking about?

Friend 1: About our sons careers, can you tell us what your son does for living?

Friend 4: My son works in gay bar

Friend 2: Ohh, well that is sad

Friend 4: No, i am really proud of him. And actually he is doing pretty great! He got airplane, expensive clothes and 100000 worth of electronics for his birthday last month by his 3 boyfriends.

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

Knock knock
Whose there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Why are you crying? This was supposed to make you laugh.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Ho-ho.

Ho-ho who?

You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.

He didn't want any advice.

When she hears a knock on the door.

Upon answering the door, she sees it is two of her husband’s friends and co-workers.

“Mary,” says the first co-worker, “I’m afraid we have some terrible news. You see, there was an accident at the factory today, and your husband fell into a vat of the Guinness.”

“My God!” Exclaims Mary, “will he be alright, how badly is he hurt!?”

“Well,” says the co-worker, “the fact is Mary, he didn’t make it, he drowned.”

“No!” Sobs Mary. “Please, tell me it was at least a quick death, and painless?”

“Well, you see, the thing of it is Mary, he got out three times to pee.”

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!"

Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction.

The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew".

The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.

Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"

The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."

Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"

"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

Three men go out selling Bibles to raise money for their church. At the end of the day, the three meet up to discuss their success. Bob goes first and was proud to say that he sold 5 Bibles and made $50 for the church. Sam goes next and was pleased to say that he sold 7 Bibles and made $70 for the church. Timothy (who has a bit of a stutter) goes last and excitedly says “I-I-I s s sold t t t twenty t t t three B B Bibles” making $230 for the church. Bob and Sam are amazed and ask Timothy how he could sell so many Bibles in a single day. Timothy says “ I-I-I t t t told them t t t that they c c c could b b b buy the B B B Bible or I w w w would r r read it t t t to them”