Top jokes this week

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Pssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know... I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

The pond was at the edge of his land and his body wasn't as it used to be, so he hardly went to that part of his property but he decided he wanted to look it over. There were fruit trees surrounding the pond so before he left home, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring some fruit back with him.

As he neared the pond, he heard laughter and shouting. When he got around the trees and bushes, he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He shouted out so that they could see he was there. After they saw him, they started shrieking and moved to the deep end.

One of the women shouted at the old man, "We're not coming out until you leave, perv!".

The old man frowned and said, "Now, I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Then, holding the bucket up and smiling, he said, "No, nothing like that. I'm just here to feed the alligator."

But if I do it, I’m gay.

The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

Kindergarten Teacher: OK class. If you went to sleep in 1970 what year did you wake up?

Kid 1: 1970.

Teacher: OK anyone else have an answer?

Kid 2: This year - 2017.

Teacher: Why do you say that?

Kid 2: Because the bed was called a 1970 cause that was when it was made.

Kid 3: Because you pooped yourself and it took them until 2017 to remove the stain

Teacher: Where do you get these answers...?

What did the snowman say to the other snowman?
'Can you smell carrots?'

Q: How do you make Ethiopians rave?
A: Stick food to the ceiling.

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test.

He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess.

When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".

"Simple", grins the millionaire.

" I faked my age".

His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her...

he replies: " I said i was 87"

The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht. Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t know what to do.

And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, “your honor, wait!”

The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.

“She also stole a can of peas!”

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister: Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.

Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.

Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!