Top jokes this week

The pond was at the edge of his land and his body wasn't as it used to be, so he hardly went to that part of his property but he decided he wanted to look it over. There were fruit trees surrounding the pond so before he left home, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring some fruit back with him.

As he neared the pond, he heard laughter and shouting. When he got around the trees and bushes, he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He shouted out so that they could see he was there. After they saw him, they started shrieking and moved to the deep end.

One of the women shouted at the old man, "We're not coming out until you leave, perv!".

The old man frowned and said, "Now, I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Then, holding the bucket up and smiling, he said, "No, nothing like that. I'm just here to feed the alligator."

But if I do it, I’m gay.

This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?"

Bill looks at him and says, "To your house."

The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

Kindergarten Teacher: OK class. If you went to sleep in 1970 what year did you wake up?

Kid 1: 1970.

Teacher: OK anyone else have an answer?

Kid 2: This year - 2017.

Teacher: Why do you say that?

Kid 2: Because the bed was called a 1970 cause that was when it was made.

Kid 3: Because you pooped yourself and it took them until 2017 to remove the stain

Teacher: Where do you get these answers...?

What did the snowman say to the other snowman?
'Can you smell carrots?'

Q: How do you make Ethiopians rave?
A: Stick food to the ceiling.

"Simple", grins the millionaire.

" I faked my age".

His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her...

he replies: " I said i was 87"

The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht. Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t know what to do.

And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, “your honor, wait!”

The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.

“She also stole a can of peas!”

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister: Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.

Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.

Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!

Doctor: This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous break-down, and also take this one for depression. Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

A young New York woman was so despondent that she decided to end her life. She was going to throw herself into the ocean. But, as she ran to the end of the dock, a young man stopped her. "I know what you were about to do. My God! You have so much to live for. Look, I'm a sailor, and my ship is off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away. I know exactly where. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she HAD always wanted to go to Italy, the young woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches, fruit, Poland Spring, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing in here?" demanded the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "The truth is he's screwing me, too." "He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?” Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: “Who were YOU thinking about?”

The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

Billy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it cheerios."

Their mom turns around and chases him up the stairs spanking him the whole way. When she returns she looks at Billy and says, "And what would you like my little angel."

Billy nervously replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't cheerios."

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?”

“I went to St Peters Secondary”

“ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”

“1979”

“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”

Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”

To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”