Newest jokes

But if I do it, I’m gay.

This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?"

Bill looks at him and says, "To your house."

She said, “Wear your own then.”

"No. I work for a condom company. These are my customer complaints."

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it."

So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?"

The bird is silent as a stone.

"Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?"

The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night."

As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!"

The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my life, and they never let me down. Now, will you do things my way, or do I need to talk to the hospital management?

Doctor: Sure, sure, lady. We'll do things your way. Does an astrology-based approach work for you?

Karen: That's better! Of course, it would!

Doctor: What's your birth sign?

Karen: Cancer.

Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.”

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

"Hey boss? Working late tonight?"

"Yes, I'm flying to Europe tomorrow, family trip."

In the morning, minutes before the security guard's shift end, the man spots his boss again, but now sharing some strong words.

"Boss, please don't get on that plane. I had a terrible dream it would crash and everyone would die."

The boss doesn't say anything to the man but decides not to take the trip.

A couple of days later the boss comes back to see the security guard.

"Hey, that plane ended up crashing so your dream saved my life, thank you."

"No worries, boss. I'm glad you're okay."

"Also, you're fired."

"What do you mean, boss? Why?"

"Because you were certainly sleeping on your shift."

The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do this?”

The king was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, "Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs."

The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.

The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them. So when the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.

When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister, licking his feet.

The king was baffled at what he saw. "What happened to the dogs? !!!" He growled.

The minister then said, "I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn't forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!"

The King realised his mistake and replaced the dogs with crocodiles!

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by vehicles.

The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus vehicle kills.

The Ornithological (Bird) Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,

"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."

Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,

"You boys are nuts."

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir... There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about my weekend."

3 friends were talking about their sons careers while 4th one was in toilet.

Friend 1: My son is millioner and he is one of owners of airport. He is so rich that he gave his friend airplane for his birthday last month.

Friend 2: My son is millioner as well, he is owner of big clothing brand. He is so rich he gave his friend most expensive clothes for his birthday last month.

Friend 3: My son is millioner as well, he is one of owners of famous electronics brand. He gave his friend 100 000 dollars worth of electronics for his birthday last month.

4th friend comes out of bathroom and returns to his friends

Friend 4: Heyy what are you talking about?

Friend 1: About our sons careers, can you tell us what your son does for living?

Friend 4: My son works in gay bar

Friend 2: Ohh, well that is sad

Friend 4: No, i am really proud of him. And actually he is doing pretty great! He got airplane, expensive clothes and 100000 worth of electronics for his birthday last month by his 3 boyfriends.

Husband goes to a police station... “My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station: “What is her height?”

Husband: “Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant: “Weight?”

Husband: “Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”

Sergeant: “Colour of eyes?”

Husband: “Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed

Sergeant: “Colour of hair?”

Husband: “Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.”

Sergeant: “What was she wearing?”

Husband: “Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”

Sergeant: “What kind of car did she go in

Husband: “She went in my Audi”

Sergeant: “What kind of Audi was it?”

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Husband: (sobbing) “Audi A4 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360 cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A4 Avant, Non smoking pack - A4, Diesel particulate filter”

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant: “Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".

Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.

All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need any".