Fresh from the submission queue. Vote to decide what rises.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn't slapped him!" While the young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face, thinking:
"Life is good. How often does a guy get the chance to kiss a beautiful girl, and slap his Project Manager at the same time."
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition.There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.
The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were simple, The one to milk the most milk from their respective cows won the competition.
The actors were from Nepal (the place where the joke is from), India (A neighbouring country so it is used), USA (Land of Chuck Norris), UK and China.
They were each given a cow and 1 hour of alloted time to milk the cow.
The competition started and then ended soon.
Then the judges went on and checked how much they each milked.
They went and checked UK's representative (Michael Caine). He only milked 10 ltrs. of milk.
Then they moved onto China's Jet Li. Using his martial arts technique, he milked an astonishing 20 ltr. of milk from the cow.
Then Rajnikant (Indian counterpart of Chuck Norris,ask indians they'll tell) patted Li on the back and showed them he had milked 25 ltrs.
Chuck Norris was already laughing at them. For he had milked 30 ltrs. of milk
Now, The judges moved onto Rajesh Hamal (He's the Nepalese counterpart to Chuck Norris). When they looked into his bucket, They were astounded. He had only milked 1 ltr. of milk
They declared Chuck to be the winner and later interviewed everyone.
When it was Rajesh's turn, they asked " Why only 1 ltr?"
To which he replied "Those mfers gave me a bull"
The woman asked the doctor about her babies. The doctor said "You had twins, a boy and a girl they're both fine and your brother named them for you" The woman replies with "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NOT MY BROTHER, he's an idiot!, what did he name the girl!?"Denise" the doctor answered
"Oh, that's actually not that bad! what about the boy?" the woman replied
doctor sighs deeply
"Denephew"
That was a blast from the past!
An elephant with diarrhea
Oh I can’t sleep at night cause i am afraid of the monster under my bed
The therapist told him: i will help you, you will take with me three sessions a week each one costing 200$ and in month you will be able to sleep
The man left and didn’t came back, after one year the man met the therapist who asked him: why haven’t you started your treatment
The man said: you wanted me to pay 2400 but my Egyptian neighbor helped me for a sandwich and a drink only
The therapist ask how and to which the man said: my Egyptian neighbor Told me to sell my bed and start sleeping on the ground and i was never scared from that day on.
As the waters continue to rise, the preacher kneels in prayer. After a while, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.
"Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast."
"No," says the preacher. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."
Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat.
"Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute."
Once again, the preacher is unmoved. "I shall remain. The Lord will see me through."
After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.
"Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance."
Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.
And, predictably, he drowns.
A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, "Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?"
God shakes his head. "What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
The pond was at the edge of his land and his body wasn't as it used to be, so he hardly went to that part of his property but he decided he wanted to look it over. There were fruit trees surrounding the pond so before he left home, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring some fruit back with him.
As he neared the pond, he heard laughter and shouting. When he got around the trees and bushes, he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He shouted out so that they could see he was there. After they saw him, they started shrieking and moved to the deep end.
One of the women shouted at the old man, "We're not coming out until you leave, perv!".
The old man frowned and said, "Now, I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Then, holding the bucket up and smiling, he said, "No, nothing like that. I'm just here to feed the alligator."
These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.
30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first drunk says "my girl was passed out. She never made a peep." The second drunk shouts, "my was dead. She never moved a muscle!"
The third drunk leans in and whispers conspiratorially, "thems was witches."
"Witches?" The other two day in unison.
"Yep! I bit mine on the ass and she farted in my face and flew out the window!"
He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'
I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again, he thanked her.
He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.
He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
"Quick, get me a beer before it starts."
She gets the beer. He chugs it and says "quick, get me another before it starts."
She obliges. Husband again chugs it and says "quick, get me another beer before it starts."
The wife replies "if you want another beer you lazy bastard get your fat ass up and get it yourself!"
Husband murmurs "shit, it started."
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
A man has to leave for a few days and wants to find a temporary home for his parrot.
Because he knows the priest also has a parrot, he decides to ask him if he can watch his.
'Absolutely not.' The priest says. 'All your parrot knows is how to curse. That's not good for my parrot, as all mine does is pray.'
'But your parrot will be able to teach mine some manners.' The man points out.
After doing some thinking the man agrees and says he'll watch the parrot. He takes him to his house and puts him next to his own parrot.
'I want sex, I want sex.' The parrot says.
'Hallelujah.' The other one says. 'My prayers have been answered!'
An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an
American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside
him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :
The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'
The Indian answers,'Of course!'
American : 'We do not .We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Indians.'
The Indian says nothing.
The American continues,'Do you eat this jelly with the bread?'
Indian : 'Of course!'
American : 'We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a container. Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to Indians..'
The Indian finally asks,'And what do you do with the condoms after using them?'
American : 'We throw them away,of course!'
Indian : 'We do not. We keep them in containers, process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.
Policeman:”What are you selling?”
Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”
Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”
Vendor:” They make you smarter!”
Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!”
Vendor:” See!!! You’re smarter already!”
Policeman:” WOW, you’re right... Give me two more, quick!”