The highest-voted jokes, as decided by thousands of reader votes.
"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."
"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."
Kindergarten Teacher: OK class. If you went to sleep in 1970 what year did you wake up?
Kid 1: 1970.
Teacher: OK anyone else have an answer?
Kid 2: This year - 2017.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Kid 2: Because the bed was called a 1970 cause that was when it was made.
Kid 3: Because you pooped yourself and it took them until 2017 to remove the stain
Teacher: Where do you get these answers...?
What did the snowman say to the other snowman?
'Can you smell carrots?'
Q: How do you make Ethiopians rave?
A: Stick food to the ceiling.
"Simple", grins the millionaire.
" I faked my age".
His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her...
he replies: " I said i was 87"
The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds
I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.
We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht. Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.
I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”
The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”
“Six,” replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, “your honor, wait!”
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
“She also stole a can of peas!”
Putin: Why?
Prime Minister: Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.
Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.
Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!
Doctor: This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous break-down, and also take this one for depression. Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?
A young New York woman was so despondent that she decided to end her life. She was going to throw herself into the ocean. But, as she ran to the end of the dock, a young man stopped her. "I know what you were about to do. My God! You have so much to live for. Look, I'm a sailor, and my ship is off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away. I know exactly where. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she HAD always wanted to go to Italy, the young woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches, fruit, Poland Spring, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing in here?" demanded the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "The truth is he's screwing me, too." "He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?” Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: “Who were YOU thinking about?”
The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."
Billy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.
"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"
Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it cheerios."
Their mom turns around and chases him up the stairs spanking him the whole way. When she returns she looks at Billy and says, "And what would you like my little angel."
Billy nervously replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't cheerios."
“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”
“I’m from Ireland.”
“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”
“Grew up in Wexford.”
“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”
“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?”
“I went to St Peters Secondary”
“ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”
“1979”
“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”
Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”
To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”
– Hello, is this 911?
– Yes, what is your emergency?
– I called to inform you that you're 910 now.
Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...
"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"
"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"
His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"
"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"
Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"
"Yes mom "
Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:
"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?"
There was silence for a moment
Then the teacher started laughing :
"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn't slapped him!" While the young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face, thinking:
"Life is good. How often does a guy get the chance to kiss a beautiful girl, and slap his Project Manager at the same time."