Top jokes this week

– Hello, is this 911?

– Yes, what is your emergency?

– I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"

"Yes mom "

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?"

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing :

"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn't slapped him!" While the young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face, thinking:

"Life is good. How often does a guy get the chance to kiss a beautiful girl, and slap his Project Manager at the same time."

A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition.There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.

The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were simple, The one to milk the most milk from their respective cows won the competition.

The actors were from Nepal (the place where the joke is from), India (A neighbouring country so it is used), USA (Land of Chuck Norris), UK and China.

They were each given a cow and 1 hour of alloted time to milk the cow.

The competition started and then ended soon.

Then the judges went on and checked how much they each milked.

They went and checked UK's representative (Michael Caine). He only milked 10 ltrs. of milk.

Then they moved onto China's Jet Li. Using his martial arts technique, he milked an astonishing 20 ltr. of milk from the cow.

Then Rajnikant (Indian counterpart of Chuck Norris,ask indians they'll tell) patted Li on the back and showed them he had milked 25 ltrs.
Chuck Norris was already laughing at them. For he had milked 30 ltrs. of milk

Now, The judges moved onto Rajesh Hamal (He's the Nepalese counterpart to Chuck Norris). When they looked into his bucket, They were astounded. He had only milked 1 ltr. of milk

They declared Chuck to be the winner and later interviewed everyone.
When it was Rajesh's turn, they asked " Why only 1 ltr?"
To which he replied "Those mfers gave me a bull"

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

"No. I work for a condom company. These are my customer complaints."

A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it."

So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?"

The bird is silent as a stone.

"Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?"

The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night."

As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!"

The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"

Now I have stable wifi.

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!

Q: What did one plate say to the other plate?
A: The food is on me!

Two whales are in a bar. One of them turns to the other and says," Ohooaoaoaoaoaoaooaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaowwwwwoaoaoaoaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooooooo." The other one turns to the other and says," Go home, Steve. You're drunk."

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test.

He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess.

When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, "Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel."

She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, "I'll tell you what - I'll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me your body."

Jenny is shocked, but her family really needs the money. So she drops the towel, and does a slow, coy turn, so that Ted can get a complete eyeful. Ted, true to his word, hands her 5 $100 bills, gives her a big smile, and leaves.

Jenny closes the door and gathers up her towel, when her husband yells out from upstairs, "Honey, was that Ted from next door? He was supposed to bring over the 500 bucks he owes me."

"I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he says. "Joe's doesn't have a solid gold toilet."

"It does so!" responds George. "I'll prove it to you. I'll take you to Joe's tomorrow and show you myself!"

The next day, George brings Ted to Joe's. He is about to tell Ted where the toilet is, when suddenly, a voice is heard from the other end of the bar:

"HEY, YOU! AREN'T YOU THE D**KHEAD WHO TOOK A S**T IN MY TUBA LAST NIGHT?!"

A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"

He then hollers at the other guy

" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"

Kevin happily grabs the five notes and leaves. The guy laughs at him.

The friend happens to meet Kevin later and asks him why he picked the five bills. Doesn't he know 20 is more than 5x1?

"Yes" replies Kevin. "But the day I pick the 20 he'll stop giving me money".

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.