Top jokes this week

Doctor: This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous break-down, and also take this one for depression. Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

A young New York woman was so despondent that she decided to end her life. She was going to throw herself into the ocean. But, as she ran to the end of the dock, a young man stopped her. "I know what you were about to do. My God! You have so much to live for. Look, I'm a sailor, and my ship is off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away. I know exactly where. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she HAD always wanted to go to Italy, the young woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches, fruit, Poland Spring, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing in here?" demanded the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "The truth is he's screwing me, too." "He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?” Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: “Who were YOU thinking about?”

The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

Billy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it cheerios."

Their mom turns around and chases him up the stairs spanking him the whole way. When she returns she looks at Billy and says, "And what would you like my little angel."

Billy nervously replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't cheerios."

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary school did you go to?”

“I went to St Peters Secondary”

“ St Peters Secondary?! I went to St Peters Secondary! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”

“1979”

“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”

Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”

To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Malley twins drunk again.”

– Hello, is this 911?

– Yes, what is your emergency?

– I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"

"Yes mom "

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?"

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing :

"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn't slapped him!" While the young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face, thinking:

"Life is good. How often does a guy get the chance to kiss a beautiful girl, and slap his Project Manager at the same time."

A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition.There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.

The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were simple, The one to milk the most milk from their respective cows won the competition.

The actors were from Nepal (the place where the joke is from), India (A neighbouring country so it is used), USA (Land of Chuck Norris), UK and China.

They were each given a cow and 1 hour of alloted time to milk the cow.

The competition started and then ended soon.

Then the judges went on and checked how much they each milked.

They went and checked UK's representative (Michael Caine). He only milked 10 ltrs. of milk.

Then they moved onto China's Jet Li. Using his martial arts technique, he milked an astonishing 20 ltr. of milk from the cow.

Then Rajnikant (Indian counterpart of Chuck Norris,ask indians they'll tell) patted Li on the back and showed them he had milked 25 ltrs.
Chuck Norris was already laughing at them. For he had milked 30 ltrs. of milk

Now, The judges moved onto Rajesh Hamal (He's the Nepalese counterpart to Chuck Norris). When they looked into his bucket, They were astounded. He had only milked 1 ltr. of milk

They declared Chuck to be the winner and later interviewed everyone.
When it was Rajesh's turn, they asked " Why only 1 ltr?"
To which he replied "Those mfers gave me a bull"

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

"No. I work for a condom company. These are my customer complaints."

A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it."

So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?"

The bird is silent as a stone.

"Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?"

The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night."

As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!"

The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"

Now I have stable wifi.

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

Q: What did one plate say to the other plate?
A: The food is on me!

Two whales are in a bar. One of them turns to the other and says," Ohooaoaoaoaoaoaooaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaowwwwwoaoaoaoaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooooooo." The other one turns to the other and says," Go home, Steve. You're drunk."

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."