Fresh from the submission queue. Vote to decide what rises.
The nun shouts "who is it?" and a voice from the other side replies "it's the blind man, can I come in?"
The nun replies "sure" and the blind man comes into the room and says "nice tits luv, where do you want to hang these blinds?"
The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'm afraid. You must go without having sex for 2 weeks ... and if you succeed, then you will welcome you with open arms."
The three couples shake the minister's hand and leave, determined to meet this test.
Two weeks later, the three couples return and meet with the minister in his office. "Did you succeed in your test?" he asks the first couple.
"Yes sir, we did. We have not had sex in 2 weeks." The older husband and wife beamed at the minister, and he shook their hands and welcomed them to the church.
Moving to the second couple, he asks the same question. The middle-aged couple look at each other, and say "Yes sir ... we struggled a bit with it, but we have managed not to have sex for 2 weeks as you requested." The minister smiled, shook their hands, and welcomed them to the church.
Then, he approached the newlywed couple, both in their early 20s. "My friends, did you pass the test?" The couple, shame-faced, look at each other before the husband answers, "I'm afraid not, pastor. We did really well the first 3 days, but on the fourth day, my wife bent over to pick up a can of corn and I just happened to be behind her, and before I knew it, we were having sex right then and there. I'm very sorry," he said, hanging his head.
Frowning, the minister said, "I understand, but I'm afraid you won't be able to join our church."
The man replies, "That's okay pastor - we're not allowed back to the grocery store either."
They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back and bring the bottle opener. Jimmy is at first reluctant, as he thinks Jeff and Joe will just eat all the food while he is gone, but after two hours, he is convinced that they won’t, and sets out on his journey.
20 days pass, and Joe and Jeff are extremely hungry, but they remember their promise and wait for Jimmy to return. Another 3 days pass, and they become worried, but still remember the promise they made, and wait. After another 5 days, they begin to believe Jimmy abandoned them, and went to the McDonald’s down the street instead. So they decide to eat the sandwiches.
Just as they are about to take their first bite, Jimmy appears from behind a rock, and says “I knew it! Just for that, I’m not going!”
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.
“I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.
The news Broke out.
Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.
The Americans, also impressed ordered the robot. Under 3 hours after its deployment in NYC the robot caught nearly 100 thieves.
The Indians, already facing massive complaints of thievery and muggings, decided to give it a try.
After deploying the robot in Mumbai under 30 minutes the robot got stolen.
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!'
The woman said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my husband .'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.'
The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.
The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband .' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.'
Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the fucking chair!'
The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”
“Six,” replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, “your honor, wait!”
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
“She also stole a can of peas!”
An Indian politician was visiting a foreigner politician. He saw foreigner politicians had a big house and 2 luxury cars. He askes him how is it possible as the salary of a politician is not that much. Foreigner politician took Indian politician on drive and said
"do you see this 10 lanes highway?"
Indian Politician: Yes
Foreigner Politician: The budget was for 12 lanes :)
Couple of years later same foreigner politician was visiting same Indian politician. He was shocked when he saw Indian politician had 3 big mansions and multiple luxury cars. He asked Indian politician that how did he do that in that short period of time. Indian politician took him on the roof of his mansion and said
"do you see that 10 lane highway?"
Foreigner politician: I don't see it
Indian politician: Me neither :)
men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Step One: Be a billionaire
Step Two: Short sell $GME
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog. His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat." replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
“Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”. “Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.
That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!”
I replied “I married a 6 and now you’re a 10, what do you think?”
She walked away happy,
Which is odd because I was talking about her dress size.
That does not work in a liquor store
The Scot says: “I am a sheep herder, like my father before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms.”
Whoosh, and so it was.
The Englishman was amazed and says: “I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out.”
Bang, there was a wall around England.
The Welshman says: “Tell me more about this wall.”
The genie says: “It’s 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.”
The Welshman says: “Fill it with water.”
A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
If he thinks that's bad, I'm missing 9999 pieces.
The Polar Bear
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”
"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"