The best funny jokes, ranked by reader votes.
Alissa was talking about her favorite animals with her best friend.
Alissa asked: "Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?"
Her best friend replied: "Yes".
Alissa asked: "How?"
Alissa's best friend said: "Because a house can't jump at all".
A Man breaks into another Mans Home, the owner of the house said
"Who are you? And how did you get in?"
The Man responded
"I'm a Locksmith and I'm a Locksmith"
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked,
"To draw out all his savings?"
"I want to live forever" I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant those type of wishes."
"Fine" I said, "I want to die only after the last repost has been made in Top Funny Jokes!"
"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'm afraid. You must go without having sex for 2 weeks ... and if you succeed, then you will welcome you with open arms."
The three couples shake the minister's hand and leave, determined to meet this test.
Two weeks later, the three couples return and meet with the minister in his office. "Did you succeed in your test?" he asks the first couple.
"Yes sir, we did. We have not had sex in 2 weeks." The older husband and wife beamed at the minister, and he shook their hands and welcomed them to the church.
Moving to the second couple, he asks the same question. The middle-aged couple look at each other, and say "Yes sir ... we struggled a bit with it, but we have managed not to have sex for 2 weeks as you requested." The minister smiled, shook their hands, and welcomed them to the church.
Then, he approached the newlywed couple, both in their early 20s. "My friends, did you pass the test?" The couple, shame-faced, look at each other before the husband answers, "I'm afraid not, pastor. We did really well the first 3 days, but on the fourth day, my wife bent over to pick up a can of corn and I just happened to be behind her, and before I knew it, we were having sex right then and there. I'm very sorry," he said, hanging his head.
Frowning, the minister said, "I understand, but I'm afraid you won't be able to join our church."
The man replies, "That's okay pastor - we're not allowed back to the grocery store either."
After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.
The news Broke out.
Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.
The Americans, also impressed ordered the robot. Under 3 hours after its deployment in NYC the robot caught nearly 100 thieves.
The Indians, already facing massive complaints of thievery and muggings, decided to give it a try.
After deploying the robot in Mumbai under 30 minutes the robot got stolen.
men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
That does not work in a liquor store
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
The difference is staggering.
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same old man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump."
The Marine repeated, "Sir, as I told you yesterday, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him again and just walked away.
On the third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine. "I would like to go in and meet with president trump."
The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to trump and I've told you each time that he's no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you get it?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.
The woman asked the doctor about her babies. The doctor said "You had twins, a boy and a girl they're both fine and your brother named them for you" The woman replies with "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NOT MY BROTHER, he's an idiot!, what did he name the girl!?"Denise" the doctor answered
"Oh, that's actually not that bad! what about the boy?" the woman replied
doctor sighs deeply
"Denephew"
To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
Cheerleader: Your ugly.
Me: *walks away*
Cheerleader: Hello? I said your-
Me: I'm sorry 'honey' I'm not your mirror.
Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
It's quite time consuming
The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.
The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”
To which the man rocking simply points to the backyard and says “in his house along the back fence”
The driver begins to walk to the side of the house, along the side of the house and into the backyard where he sees a dog laying in front of a dog house.
The driver asked the dog “are you the talking dog?”
The dog simply replies “yup”
To which the driver replies “that’s amazing how did you learn to talk”
The dog begins ..” when I was a puppy the CIA picked me up and brought me in and taught me how to speak several different languages. One of my languages was Arabic. The Iraq War brakes out and they decided to send me over to Iraq and collect information. Who is going to expect that a dog could understand Arabic, right? Well then the war ends and I win a Bronze Star. I return to the US and I join the TSA. I sniff out drugs, guns, explosives and win all sorts of accolades. I eventually retire, find myself a nice bitch, have some puppies who grow up and move out and this is where I finally retire too.”
The driver who is absolutely stunned at this point looks at the dog and says “that’s amazing“ and then swiftly walks back to the front of the house.
When he gets to the front of the house he confronts the homeowner and says “$5?! That’s all you want for that talking dog is $5?!
To which the homeowner replies “That dog is a liar, he’s never done any of that stuff”
They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.
“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”
Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!”
The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, “What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?”
“A water lily.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again, he thanked her.
He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.
He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”