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That does not work in a liquor store

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

The difference is staggering.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump."

The Marine repeated, "Sir, as I told you yesterday, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him again and just walked away.

On the third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine. "I would like to go in and meet with president trump."

The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to trump and I've told you each time that he's no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you get it?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwegian went for a walk and eventually ran into a crying boy.

"Why are you crying?"
"An orange hit me in the head!"

They moved on and after a while ran into a crying girl.

"Why are you crying?"
"I slipped on a banana peel..."

After a few more minutes on the road, they met a girl and a boy who were laughing with tears in their eyes.

"What's got you so happy?"
"Our teacher farted so hard the school blew up!"

The woman asked the doctor about her babies. The doctor said "You had twins, a boy and a girl they're both fine and your brother named them for you" The woman replies with "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NOT MY BROTHER, he's an idiot!, what did he name the girl!?"Denise" the doctor answered

"Oh, that's actually not that bad! what about the boy?" the woman replied

doctor sighs deeply

"Denephew"

She said, “Wear your own then.”

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

A kindergarten teacher is explaining what "literally" means to her class and asking them what it means.

Teacher: Okay, Does everyone know what "literally" means?

Teacher: Use it in a sentence

Kid 1: Birds literally come out of nowhere

Teacher: That's not true but it is if you put it as you aren't paying attention

Kid 2: Pizza is literally the best food ever

[kid walks back]

Kid 3: I literally pooped in the sink

Teacher: Did you really?

Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?

You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”

It's quite time consuming

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to the backyard and says “in his house along the back fence”

The driver begins to walk to the side of the house, along the side of the house and into the backyard where he sees a dog laying in front of a dog house.

The driver asked the dog “are you the talking dog?”

The dog simply replies “yup”

To which the driver replies “that’s amazing how did you learn to talk”

The dog begins ..” when I was a puppy the CIA picked me up and brought me in and taught me how to speak several different languages. One of my languages was Arabic. The Iraq War brakes out and they decided to send me over to Iraq and collect information. Who is going to expect that a dog could understand Arabic, right? Well then the war ends and I win a Bronze Star. I return to the US and I join the TSA. I sniff out drugs, guns, explosives and win all sorts of accolades. I eventually retire, find myself a nice bitch, have some puppies who grow up and move out and this is where I finally retire too.”

The driver who is absolutely stunned at this point looks at the dog and says “that’s amazing“ and then swiftly walks back to the front of the house.

When he gets to the front of the house he confronts the homeowner and says “$5?! That’s all you want for that talking dog is $5?!

To which the homeowner replies “That dog is a liar, he’s never done any of that stuff”

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which she took, and the score shows that she got them all right. “It took me two months to do this, and I got them all right on the first try!!”

“Oh you make me laugh” the science teacher says. He then pulls out a robot that he built which can do laundry, walk the dog, and shoot lasers out of its eyes. “Took me three months to build this beauty, watch and weep...”

Then the gym teacher comes laughing at all three of them. “You’re all idiots” He says. “Clearly I’m the smartest of you guys.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” The science teacher says.

“Because I didn’t have to do any of that, and I still get paid the same as you!”

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!”

The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, “What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?”

“A water lily.”

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow

They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a minute, then tell the head of the Soviet delegation: "The position of this club is perfect. The food is excellent. The atmosphere is grandiose. The drinks are extraordinary. But the stripper has to go."

"Impossibe!" says the Soviet organiser. "She is the perfect woman for the job, she has been a loyal member of the Communist Party for the past 60 years!!"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back. "What's up?" asks his mate. "Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress." His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you." He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."

An elephant with diarrhea