The highest-voted jokes, as decided by thousands of reader votes.
A kindergarten teacher is explaining what "literally" means to her class and asking them what it means.
Teacher: Okay, Does everyone know what "literally" means?
Teacher: Use it in a sentence
Kid 1: Birds literally come out of nowhere
Teacher: That's not true but it is if you put it as you aren't paying attention
Kid 2: Pizza is literally the best food ever
[kid walks back]
Kid 3: I literally pooped in the sink
Teacher: Did you really?
Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
It's quite time consuming
The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.
The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”
To which the man rocking simply points to the backyard and says “in his house along the back fence”
The driver begins to walk to the side of the house, along the side of the house and into the backyard where he sees a dog laying in front of a dog house.
The driver asked the dog “are you the talking dog?”
The dog simply replies “yup”
To which the driver replies “that’s amazing how did you learn to talk”
The dog begins ..” when I was a puppy the CIA picked me up and brought me in and taught me how to speak several different languages. One of my languages was Arabic. The Iraq War brakes out and they decided to send me over to Iraq and collect information. Who is going to expect that a dog could understand Arabic, right? Well then the war ends and I win a Bronze Star. I return to the US and I join the TSA. I sniff out drugs, guns, explosives and win all sorts of accolades. I eventually retire, find myself a nice bitch, have some puppies who grow up and move out and this is where I finally retire too.”
The driver who is absolutely stunned at this point looks at the dog and says “that’s amazing“ and then swiftly walks back to the front of the house.
When he gets to the front of the house he confronts the homeowner and says “$5?! That’s all you want for that talking dog is $5?!
To which the homeowner replies “That dog is a liar, he’s never done any of that stuff”
The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”
The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which she took, and the score shows that she got them all right. “It took me two months to do this, and I got them all right on the first try!!”
“Oh you make me laugh” the science teacher says. He then pulls out a robot that he built which can do laundry, walk the dog, and shoot lasers out of its eyes. “Took me three months to build this beauty, watch and weep...”
Then the gym teacher comes laughing at all three of them. “You’re all idiots” He says. “Clearly I’m the smartest of you guys.”
“Oh yeah? Why’s that?” The science teacher says.
“Because I didn’t have to do any of that, and I still get paid the same as you!”
The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.
Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!
Mother: How were you able to come back home?
Son: I followed the cat.
They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.
“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”
Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!”
The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, “What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?”
“A water lily.”
In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow
They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.
The Americans look around for a minute, then tell the head of the Soviet delegation: "The position of this club is perfect. The food is excellent. The atmosphere is grandiose. The drinks are extraordinary. But the stripper has to go."
"Impossibe!" says the Soviet organiser. "She is the perfect woman for the job, she has been a loyal member of the Communist Party for the past 60 years!!"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back. "What's up?" asks his mate. "Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress." His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you." He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
An elephant with diarrhea
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again, he thanked her.
He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.
He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"
Little Mary says, "Forty."
The teacher says, "Yes, your mother could get pregnant."
The little girl asks, "can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"
Little Mary answers, "Nineteen."
The teacher says, "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant".
The little girl asks, "Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks, "How old are you?"
Mary says "I'm seven years old." The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant." Little Johnny, who is sitting behind little Mary, gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about"
Cheerleader: Your ugly.
Me: *walks away*
Cheerleader: Hello? I said your-
Me: I'm sorry 'honey' I'm not your mirror.
What method of contraception do you use?
I’m always really nice and kind.
- Peter, 32, best friend of many, many women
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.
One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
A kung-fu student comes to his master:
"Master, why do I seem not to properly develop my kung-fu skills?"
The master takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and says:
– My student. Have you ever noticed the flaming seagulls flying beneath the sun on sunset?
"Yes master, I have."
– But have you closely watched the waterfall and the way water falls on rocks without moving them?
"Yes master, I have watched them with immense attention"
The master takes another deep breath, and asks:
– HAVE YOU... watched how the smallest creatures may thrive even on the most inhospitable habitats?
"Yes master. I have noticed them."
That's why. You keep looking at that sh*t and don't train.
Ones an animal found in Australia and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.