The funniest jokes on the internet, ranked by you

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden, wide-eyed and intrigued, says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

As the waters continue to rise, the preacher kneels in prayer. After a while, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.

"Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast."

"No," says the preacher. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."

Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat.

"Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute."

Once again, the preacher is unmoved. "I shall remain. The Lord will see me through."

After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.

"Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance."

Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.

And, predictably, he drowns.

A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, "Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?"

God shakes his head. "What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first drunk says "my girl was passed out. She never made a peep." The second drunk shouts, "my was dead. She never moved a muscle!"

The third drunk leans in and whispers conspiratorially, "thems was witches."

"Witches?" The other two day in unison.

"Yep! I bit mine on the ass and she farted in my face and flew out the window!"

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”

Policeman:”What are you selling?”

Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”

Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”

Vendor:” They make you smarter!”

Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!”

Vendor:” See!!! You’re smarter already!”

Policeman:” WOW, you’re right... Give me two more, quick!”

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do this?”

The king was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, "Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs."

The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.

The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them. So when the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.

When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister, licking his feet.

The king was baffled at what he saw. "What happened to the dogs? !!!" He growled.

The minister then said, "I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn't forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!"

The King realised his mistake and replaced the dogs with crocodiles!

Husband goes to a police station... “My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station: “What is her height?”

Husband: “Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant: “Weight?”

Husband: “Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”

Sergeant: “Colour of eyes?”

Husband: “Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed

Sergeant: “Colour of hair?”

Husband: “Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.”

Sergeant: “What was she wearing?”

Husband: “Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”

Sergeant: “What kind of car did she go in

Husband: “She went in my Audi”

Sergeant: “What kind of Audi was it?”

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Husband: (sobbing) “Audi A4 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360 cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A4 Avant, Non smoking pack - A4, Diesel particulate filter”

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant: “Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”

Three women, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde die on the same day and are sent to Hell.

Upon reaching the abysmal realm, the three women meet up with none other than Satan himself.

"I am willing to be a good sport and give you a shot at redemption." says the devil. "I present to you three stairways, all leading up to Heaven. But there's a catch. For every step you take, I shall tell a joke. Each step you take will lead to a funnier and funnier joke, and if you laugh, your souls shall be banished to Hell forever."

The three women looked at one another and nodded in agreement.

The redhead went first, and upon taking her 10th step, she snickered and her soul was forfeit. The brunette went next, finally cracking up once she took her 50th step.

The blonde was up next, and managed to get right before the last step into Heaven. Satan was busy with his last joke yet before he could finish it, the blonde split her sides laughing.

The devil looked on in confusion and said; "I didn't even finish my joke, what gives?!"

To which the blonde replied; "I just understood the first joke!"

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels bed, “wow this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas” says the bellhop The man heads downstairs to the bar sits on a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands, “wow these drinks are big.” “Everything is big in Texas” says the bartender” After downing a few, the blind man asks for the bathroom. “Second door to the right”says the bartender The blind man heads to the bathroom but accidentally opens the door that leads to the swimming pool and falls in. Popping his head from underwater, he flails his arms and shouts “Don’t flush! Don’t flush!

He leans over and asks her "Do you mind if I sit with you?".

The girl answers loudly "Hell no I don't want to sleep with you, you fucking pervert!!!"

Everybody in the library looks at the guy and he feels humiliated.

After a few minutes, the girl walks over to him and softly says "I am a psychology student and I knew what you were thinking. I guess you were humiliated, right?"

The guy answers back loudly "200 bucks for a blow job? Are you fucking kidding me?".

Everybody looks at the girl and she feels humiliated.

Then the guy says "well I am a lawyer and I know how to make someone feel guilty!!!".

Taco: Can we please TACO bout' it!

Nacho: No, go away....

Taco: Why don't you wanna TACO bout' it?

Nacho: Because I'm NACHO friend anymore!