Newest jokes

I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!

Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?

You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”

Would you cheat on your wife?

On whom else would I be cheating?!

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

What method of contraception do you use?

I’m always really nice and kind.

- Peter, 32, best friend of many, many women

A French man goes into the Louvre's parking with his van. He gets out and goes inside. He sneaks pass guards, gets through barbed wire, avoids lasers and in front of him there is the Mona Lisa. He takes it and manages to get back to his van. When he goes into his van and leaves the van ran out of gas. The police catch him and interrogate him.

'Why did you take the painting?'

He thinks for a minute and say; 'I needed the Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh'

I was walking to school one day, and I heard yelling from the other side of the street. It was a mom and a son. The mom yelled, "You are late! Why?" The son said, "I'm just good at sleeping mum, I can do it with my eyes closed!"

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

Knock knock
Whose there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Why are you crying? This was supposed to make you laugh.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Ho-ho.

Ho-ho who?

You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.

Q: What did one plate say to the other plate?
A: The food is on me!

What did the snowman say to the other snowman?
'Can you smell carrots?'

Two whales are in a bar. One of them turns to the other and says," Ohooaoaoaoaoaoaooaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaowwwwwoaoaoaoaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooooooo." The other one turns to the other and says," Go home, Steve. You're drunk."

Q: How do you make Ethiopians rave?
A: Stick food to the ceiling.