Funny jokes

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister: Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.

Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.

Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!

Doctor: This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous break-down, and also take this one for depression. Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

A young New York woman was so despondent that she decided to end her life. She was going to throw herself into the ocean. But, as she ran to the end of the dock, a young man stopped her. "I know what you were about to do. My God! You have so much to live for. Look, I'm a sailor, and my ship is off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away. I know exactly where. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she HAD always wanted to go to Italy, the young woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches, fruit, Poland Spring, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing in here?" demanded the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "The truth is he's screwing me, too." "He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

– Hello, is this 911?

– Yes, what is your emergency?

– I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

"No. I work for a condom company. These are my customer complaints."

A man walks into a bar in Vegas.

He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."

The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it."

So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?"

The bird is silent as a stone.

"Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?"

The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night."

As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!"

The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"

Now I have stable wifi.

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

Q: What did one plate say to the other plate?
A: The food is on me!

A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

She answered the door, and it was their neighbor, Ted. Ted says, "Oh my god Jenny, you look so sexy, in nothing but that towel."

She appreciates the compliment, but feels a bit uneasy, when Ted continues, "I'll tell you what - I'll give you $500 cash right now to drop that towel and show me your body."

Jenny is shocked, but her family really needs the money. So she drops the towel, and does a slow, coy turn, so that Ted can get a complete eyeful. Ted, true to his word, hands her 5 $100 bills, gives her a big smile, and leaves.

Jenny closes the door and gathers up her towel, when her husband yells out from upstairs, "Honey, was that Ted from next door? He was supposed to bring over the 500 bucks he owes me."

"I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he says. "Joe's doesn't have a solid gold toilet."

"It does so!" responds George. "I'll prove it to you. I'll take you to Joe's tomorrow and show you myself!"

The next day, George brings Ted to Joe's. He is about to tell Ted where the toilet is, when suddenly, a voice is heard from the other end of the bar:

"HEY, YOU! AREN'T YOU THE D**KHEAD WHO TOOK A S**T IN MY TUBA LAST NIGHT?!"

A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"

He then hollers at the other guy

" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"

Kevin happily grabs the five notes and leaves. The guy laughs at him.

The friend happens to meet Kevin later and asks him why he picked the five bills. Doesn't he know 20 is more than 5x1?

"Yes" replies Kevin. "But the day I pick the 20 he'll stop giving me money".

I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party… At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left…I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

Step One: Be a billionaire

Step Two: Short sell $GME

If he thinks that's bad, I'm missing 9999 pieces.