Funny jokes

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order a coffee and pull out sandwiches from their suitcases. An angry waitress approaches them, exclaiming "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here!" The lawyers look at her, then at each other and exchange the sandwiches.

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, POOF a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to Hawaii so I can go there whenever I want."
The genie considered the enormity of the wish and started to bargain with the man. "Are you sure? I could grant you gold and riches, power, fame and fortune. Is this bridge really what you want?"
Hearing this the man reconsidered. After several minutes of deliberation, he finally changed his wish, "Ok, Genie, I want to know what makes women tick."
The genie was silent for a moment, deep in thought. Then he began rubbing his palms together. "Ok," he said as his hands started to smoke, "So this bridge, did you want one lane or two?"

This joke is in loving memory of my grandpa, who would be 99 today. The cleanest joke he ever told, cheers, Pa.

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lot of sugary and greasy foods?"

"No, sir! I carefully watch my diet and caloric intake, and I'm sure to eat plenty of vegetables."

"Do you go to parties? Stay up late? Are you sexually promiscuous?"

"Not at all! Early to bed and early to rise! And abstinence is key."

The doctor raises an eyebrow at the man. "So... Why exactly do you want to live to be a hundred?"

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get into the cockpit and start the plane, they calm down and are convinced it was just a stupid joke. So the plane starts rolling, and rolling and rolling on the runway. This airport runway is ending at a cliff, and the plane approaches it and doesn't seem to make any attempts to start. The people start screaming in panic, in this moment the plane takes off into the sky and everyone calms down. In the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot and grumbles: "You know, one day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."

A tree falls in the forest but doesn't make a sound.

Hunter in camouflage gear: "WHAT THE HECK???!"

Tree: "I mean, AAAAAARGH, I fell!"

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding hooves behind them and a goat goes flying past them and jumps right into the hole.

A few seconds later, they hear a farmer calling out for his goat. "Betsy! Betsy!"

He sees the two hunters and asks if they had seen his goat Betsy."Yeah", they say, "She ran right passed us at like 80 miles and hour and jumped right into this hole!"

“That’s impossible, the man says, "I had her chained to an anvil! ”

The Scot says: “I am a sheep herder, like my father before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms.”

Whoosh, and so it was.

The Englishman was amazed and says: “I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out.”

Bang, there was a wall around England.

The Welshman says: “Tell me more about this wall.”

The genie says: “It’s 200 feet high, 100 feet thick, it goes all around England, and nothing can get in or out.”

The Welshman says: “Fill it with water.”

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

– "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you're hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians"

"Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?"

-"I am! But how did you know?"

"Everything you've told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it's no use to me at all!"

– "Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?"

"Geeze! How'd you know that????"

– "You don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you're in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first drunk says "my girl was passed out. She never made a peep." The second drunk shouts, "my was dead. She never moved a muscle!"

The third drunk leans in and whispers conspiratorially, "thems was witches."

"Witches?" The other two day in unison.

"Yep! I bit mine on the ass and she farted in my face and flew out the window!"

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Taco: Can we please TACO bout' it!

Nacho: No, go away....

Taco: Why don't you wanna TACO bout' it?

Nacho: Because I'm NACHO friend anymore!

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp." The poor accepted the deal.

The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »

The nun shouts "who is it?" and a voice from the other side replies "it's the blind man, can I come in?"

The nun replies "sure" and the blind man comes into the room and says "nice tits luv, where do you want to hang these blinds?"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Policeman:”What are you selling?”

Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”

Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”

Vendor:” They make you smarter!”

Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!”

Vendor:” See!!! You’re smarter already!”

Policeman:” WOW, you’re right... Give me two more, quick!”

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do this?”

The king was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, "Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs."

The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.

The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them. So when the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.

When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister, licking his feet.

The king was baffled at what he saw. "What happened to the dogs? !!!" He growled.

The minister then said, "I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn't forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!"

The King realised his mistake and replaced the dogs with crocodiles!

Husband goes to a police station... “My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station: “What is her height?”

Husband: “Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant: “Weight?”

Husband: “Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”

Sergeant: “Colour of eyes?”

Husband: “Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed

Sergeant: “Colour of hair?”

Husband: “Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.”

Sergeant: “What was she wearing?”

Husband: “Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”

Sergeant: “What kind of car did she go in

Husband: “She went in my Audi”

Sergeant: “What kind of Audi was it?”

–

–

–

–

Husband: (sobbing) “Audi A4 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360 cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A4 Avant, Non smoking pack - A4, Diesel particulate filter”

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant: “Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”

Three women, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde die on the same day and are sent to Hell.

Upon reaching the abysmal realm, the three women meet up with none other than Satan himself.

"I am willing to be a good sport and give you a shot at redemption." says the devil. "I present to you three stairways, all leading up to Heaven. But there's a catch. For every step you take, I shall tell a joke. Each step you take will lead to a funnier and funnier joke, and if you laugh, your souls shall be banished to Hell forever."

The three women looked at one another and nodded in agreement.

The redhead went first, and upon taking her 10th step, she snickered and her soul was forfeit. The brunette went next, finally cracking up once she took her 50th step.

The blonde was up next, and managed to get right before the last step into Heaven. Satan was busy with his last joke yet before he could finish it, the blonde split her sides laughing.

The devil looked on in confusion and said; "I didn't even finish my joke, what gives?!"

To which the blonde replied; "I just understood the first joke!"